Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
should my penis look like a turkey
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
