I must be too annoying 4 u.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
