I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
