i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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