Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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