Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
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I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
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How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal