but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
