I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
