i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
