just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
