who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
