you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
