shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
