This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
