i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
