My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
