I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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