i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
