you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
