Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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