i love accidental penises.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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