no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
