smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
