Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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