I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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