Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
