My sheets look like a crime scene.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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