I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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