Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
