Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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