I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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