he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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