You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
3 2 1 whiskey
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
