I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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