i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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