another moral hangover. fuck.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Randomize
