I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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