The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
