captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
