If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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