You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
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Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
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Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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