I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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