i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
