i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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