I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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