Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
