i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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