drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
