Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
