that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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