Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
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i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
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If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
did i just pee glitter
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