i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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