So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
